Odessa file

Remind me never to go anywhere hot in the summer ever again. Have just returned from Bulgaria, where the Peas and I travelled in a hired banger to the Black Sea resort of Varna. Having become spectacularly lost north of Veliko Turnovo - or Vehicle Turnover as Marcus calls it - due to inability to read road signs in Cyrillic, we eventually reached Varna, only to become even more lost, this time with added sweat and swearing. Oh How I Praise Ye, St Breezy of Air Conditioning and St Wine Miniature of Mini Bar! The Hotel Odessos, in downtown Varna and close to the beach, had both, and, with the addition of St Jetix of Kids Channels, the three of us survived four nights and an horrendous tummy bug that had me lying on the bed unable to move except to be sick. Most memorable moment of holiday? Peas clamouring at door of bathroom wherein I was heaving my guts out into the sink: "Can we see? Can we see?"

The Peas showed little interest in the sparkling, remarkably unpolluted Black Sea, preferring us to trek to the funfair in the city's Sea Garden, where they showed particular enthusiasm for anything that I had to pay for with cash rather than the prepaid card. After they'd discovered the shooting range, our hotel room quickly filled up with packs of cards, plastic guns, marbles and jigsaws-invaluable for the journey home.

So, we survived, and made it home to tell the tale. Next time though - if there is a next time - I'll eat the local yogurt.